Dear God..
Whoa didn’t do much today leh. Slept quite alot.. Yesterday was slow, slow progress again - looked at gene therapy for bio. Studied the whole day with kiddo at jurong national library.
Kinda disgusted with myself? 让位这么简单的东西都做不到。what’s of me disgusts me, shames me.
Dear God..
Today.. didn’t do much. Slow, slow progress. Only finished one topic for bio - stem cells. In the afternoon wasn’t feeling very well; had abit of headache and was warm and.. air felt dry and dusty. Don’t like that feeling.. Going out to study tomorrow ba, with kiddo, to avoid that again and hopefully it’ll help me concentrate and not be distracted by other things. Help me to not be distracted by kiddo but to really do my best to focus and study, God.
I need You.
Read: Genesis 1-2.
Dear God..
Thank You. Think You’ve solved the problem for me?
Kiddo asked, “still upset arh?” last night which i only replied not long ago with “okay now luh i guess.” Honestly, wasn’t feeling much already so ~ is what i did leaving it to You? Giving my heart to You?
Anyway, she said she’ll tell me when we see each other. She actually dreamt that she told me and i “seemed pretty normal”, my reaction. Is it really that scary or repulsive that she didn’t know how i’d respond, that i’d respond negatively..?
You seemed pretty normal
I told you i would be.
But that’s just a dream
So you don’t trust me luh
Nono it’s just that you don’t even know what it is yet
Told her.. “So what if i don’t know what it is yet? Some things don’t change, kiddo. Or at least not easily..” Well but okay i guess it’s settled le luh. She said she thinks she’ll not forget because.. that past few times we met she didn’t. Meaning she’s been thinking about it for awhile le..
But yeah.. thank You God. How the whole thing tuned out? You’re the One who guards my heart indeed.
Forgetting all out sins
You remember all Your promises
How different You are from us. We tend to forget our promises and remember sins, whether ours or others’, but You’re the opposite - You forget our sins and remember all Your promises.
ODB - 28th May 2012
I look forward to that reunion, God. Where there’s no pain, no suffering; an eternity of fellowshipping and enjoying the presence of one another. And.. being with You again.
Suddenly struck me - my eternity eh. My everything leh. Am i willing to entrust everything - my whole of eternity - into God’s hands?
But who else can i trust?
Not myself for sure - i am limited, and i don’t know what happens beyond death.
In Christ, there is true freedom; there is complete peace; there is fullness of joy; there is perfect love. There is forgiveness and transformation. Amazing things happen.
None but Jesus.
Dear God..
Whoo. This week.. experienced quite alot i guess. Or probably because i haven’t recorded them down so it seems like alot happened..
One thing i know for sure - You were there with me. Every step, every moment. When i wasn’t faithful, You were. When i was falling away, You were still beside me, reminding me of Your presence and Your goodness. You were really kind to still bless me, really gracious to still meet me when i sought You - when i don’t deserve it all.
Lord..
Be my priority.
You’re what i can hold onto when everything fades. When all else fails.
My God doesn’t fail me.
You’re the One who guards my heart.
You are the Peace that guards my heart
My help in time of need
You are the Hope that leads me on
And brings me to my knees
For there I find You waiting
And there I find release
So with all my heart I’ll worship
And unto You I’ll sing
Chorus:
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father, we worship and adore You
Father, we long to see Your face
For You alone deserve all glory
For You alone deserve all praise
Father, we love You
And we worship You this day
I love this song:
You are in the highest place
You are in the falling rain
You are in the mountain peaks
And the valleys speak wonders of Your name
You are in the perfect sky
You’re in every breath I breathe
You’re in every moment
Life seems to pass me by
You’re my prince of peace
Went to the botanic gardens with kiddo and Joanne this afternoon for the Festival of Biodiversity. Think we really had a whale of a time. I really hope Joanne did enjoy herself with us there.. Took loads of photographs today, me and kiddo. Alot of shots..
But then on the way home.. aiya. She was like, “I got something to tell you leh.” then for the rest of the bus ride was waiting for her to say it, but she didn’t in the end luh. Same old thing; got really annoyed and kinda hurt also and frustrated. Her reasons? “Tired”, “don’t know how to say it”. And when i said she could text me then, she said it’d be harder and weirder to text. She said i’d dao her or something if she told me, and i assured her and said i wouldn’t. In the end she was just like, “nothing!”, “forget about it forget about it”, “it’s nothing important”.
She knows i hate it and i can’t stand it and i really really want to know. She brought it up but then didn’t say it again. Really really don’t like it when she does that? Like she has something she wants to tell me, then changes her mind after that. If it’s really not important she wouldn’t have brought it up right.. and been so serious about it. And because she doesn’t know how to say?! Not like i always know how to put things. But at least i try, every single time! And i do, in the end.
Was so annoyed and hurt that.. after asking her for one last time whether she was going to say, which she obviously said no to, i just turned around and left. Walked home. Was really upset; was trying to control the tears. Gritted my teeth, tried to control it and to appear fine before my family and relatives. I guess it worked.
Other thoughts came too, like.. “Maybe she’s really trying.” Perhaps i’m just expecting too much. And.. maybe she’s just different from me. Maybe i’m the only foolish one in the world who bares her heart to that degree out to a human other than to God. Can’t impose my standards on someone else.
- such a bitter tone.
Guess this made me kinda disappointed and want to withdraw from my relationships again? Pricked; withdrawing into my shell to hide the flesh of my heart. Don’t want to share as deep. And.. a childish response - don’t wanna talk to her? And yet, hoping that she will come and tell me about it, and that we can talk like normal again. Such a fickle, undecided human.
Sigh i don’t know what to do. But for the time being i guess i’m not going to talk to her at all. Just gonna shush.
I don’t know if there’s a verse with a meaning of something like this but.. Hide my life in You, God. Intertwine them so closely together..
That bird is calling again, Daddy. It’s like a familiar friend, keeping me company at night. I’ll type more tomorrow kay? Gonna sleep now.. 累了。晚安 God.
DAILY SURRENDER. DAILY REPENTANCE.
Dear God..
I feel so bad. and it feels sucky to be corrected too, by Bryan.
And in my head so many reasons and excuses and thoughts are popping up - but it’s not like i’m always late for lifegroup; i’m always there and mostly on time.. It’s “Letters to God” leh the movie; we were like at the climax so what could i do but to watch on.. What about the rest who’s always late also..? They don’t get chided like i did. Those who put a higher priority on something else other than church stuff, other than on You..
But that’s not the point, isn’t it? The fact is, i’m very very late for lifegroup. And that because i was watching a movie, at home. :( such a lame reason to be late.
Lol. What a mockery - new lgl? Cmi luh. How to lead a group like that when i can’t even manage myself? How to be an example to them when.. I’m doing stupid things like that? Feel lile such a hypocrite - “because people gave me their time and spiritual authority, people put in effort, so i want to give my best to them too” - what i said just last night. What a hypocrite. I’m not fit to be.
I remember the conversation:
I’ll be quite late eh..
Why?
Cuz i’m watching a movie at home..
Does that give you an excuse to be late (something to that effect)?
No..
Then?
Huh..
Aiya just hurry luh
Was quite upset after that.. With myself. Felt so horrible. Teared.
:( sigh.
Such a mess.
Not exactly looking forward to meeting my lifegroup right now.. After what happened.. And in this state.
Save me from myself..
Dear God..
Exhausted.
Last night kiddo came over and got the food! Stayed awake while she walked home after staying around here for an hour or so. Blegh perhaps i should have brought the food down for her and then sent her off towards home after that.. Both of us slept late.
Dear God..
There’s so much i want to record down. All that i’ve seen and felt these few days. Zzz.. Been sleeping late talking to kiddo about loads of stuff.
